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.... do not cut HERE. do not f*ck with ME.
I work in a world re-knowned hospital here in Texas and there really are no complaints that I can think of. Being NOT FOR PROFIT is definitely a plus when it comes to the resources that are available. However, there are still little signs that you can pick up that show cutting of costs. Of course I understand how businesses are run, revenue, costs etc .. but I have always said, go ahead and cut where ever you will cut but to cut where it involves the taking care of lives ... is truly a heartless humanitarian act, no matter how you look at it. Lives and people's welfare cannot be treated as dollars in the red or green. It truly takes the heart out of caring. It takes a toll on me as well as on others who give selflessly (but there are very few)~~~~~~~~~~~~
My God, I am so very tired and my legs hurt immensely and I really don't know how I made it thru this day without having a moment. I remember times when I would just feel the need to step into a washroom and cry out of frustration when I really felt I could no longer give, no longer be patient enough, no longer find it in myself to walk into another room and have to absorb the backlash of frightened and angered people. How I would curse the present moment when I decided to do this job ... it is soooooo unglamorous and soooo downplayed and soooo filled with ingrateful people that do not understand that when you did not come within the first 5 minutes that the call bell turned on .. just so their loved one could get a fuckin blanket because they were cold .. meanwhile, all that time you were down the hall in another room comforting someone who just found out they had an inoperable brain tumour .. and you finally get to the room because the call bell was still ringing and your assistant was busy cleaning up someone else who shit on the bed .. and when you open the door and try your best to put on a smile on your face after your cry .. and a family member just glares at you ... with evil eyes .. like you are the WORST nurse in the whole entire world and says, "We've been ringing for the nurse for the past 20 minutes - my mother is cold and this is really unacceptable, I would like to speak to your Supervisor .." I just want to say, "Fuck you asshole and your Fuckin Godamm mother who is such a fuckin whiner, now I know where YOU get it from, like I really went to university just to fuckin make a bed and like I really get paid to make a fuckin bed .. and you think I give a shit that your mother is cold when I have someone dying of a fucking brain tumour and they are only 23 years old and your fuckin 90 year old mother should already be fuckin dead by now .. so shut the fuck up already and sure I will let you talk to my supervisor because you know what, I don't give a fuck ... "
But I do not say it. I apologize profusely under their bated breath and their dagger throwing eyes and I agree openly that it is very unacceptable for me to have not come sooner and make your poor mother cold and yes, I will try even harder to make sure I answer the call bell in a timely manner - and is there anything else I can get for your mother or you while I step out to get my supervisor?
And all this time my dignity is beaten and my heart is shattered and my Soul cries out, "Why me Lord? Why this? I so hate this?"
Then as I walk down the hallway to get my supervisor a family member of another patient comes up to me and says, "I want to thank you for taking care of my father. You are so gentle and caring and if it weren't for nurses like you, we would be in heartache every time we had to leave our Dad in the hospital .. but we can - cause we know you will take care of him - Thank you so much .. ". I smiled and we hugged.
I then had to step into the washroom again and cry.
Dear Lord, thank you for your Grace. I feel better now. And the day goes on.
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1.8.04 07:39
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C ... C.... C......
I called C at 7:40 pm to come and pick me up from work (he was off today). I was all ready to go down the elevator and head on towards the entrance to wait for C but unfortunately the CODE alarm sounded and I stayed to help with the Cardiac arrest. I was there for 40 minutes before I felt it was okay to leave since I was running on overtime (heaven only knows we can't do that!) and there were other people continuing to code the patient.
When I got to the car I could see on C's face that he obviously was so tired waiting - I sat down in a *humph* and said, "Sorry I was late but someone coded just as I was going to leave." C didn't say a thing except for, "Want to grab something to eat?" to which I did not reply.
C then said, "I'm going to that Chinese Buffet then."
A few seconds passed by before I blurted out, "I was resource today and I've just worked all weekend ON my feet with people IN my face and now you want me to eat in a place when I have to STAND to get my food while PEOPLE ARE STILL IN MY FACE! I don't think so!"
C was silent. But I did not stop there.
"And I am not going to enter a place to eat while I'm still in my uniform after having been around blood and shit and God only knows what else .. I feel like PUKE."
C drove straight home while I kept silent. When the car was parked, I got out and headed to the door, onward to the washroom, started peeling off my uniform and began to take a HOT shower. It was all I could do to calm me down.
By the time I got out, C was no where to be found. I started up the computer to sit down and check email when all of a sudden he came thru the kitchen and said, "Buddy, I got you your favourite Soup with Rice Noodles!"
He went to our favourite Vietnamese place and ordered take out! Then he said, "I also got you your Bubble Tea."
I jumped out of the chair and ran into the kitchen and there he stood with his eyes so tired and face so pale.
I asked, "You got this for me? You really just went out and got it .. and so fast too! And my Bubble tea too!"
C said, "Of course .. "
I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek and said, "Thanks Bud, I really needed that. Can I just sit down for awhile and unwind?"
"Sure, I'll put the Bubble Tea in the fridge. Just tell me when you're ready to eat and I'll bring it to you."
"Okay."
How Libra can ONE be?!
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1.8.04 07:59
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Starbucks anyone?
I love coffee.I do not drink it everyday. I know it is not good for you but oh well. I've tried so many types of coffees and frequented so many cafe venues (never been to the European ones so I MAY BE MISSING OUT), but the only coffee I like is Starbucks. I have a Grande Caramel Machiatto with whip cream at least once a week. I guess you might say that the concoction is not necessarily coffee per se but just that .. a concoction. Anyway, I came across this video on NEIGHBOUR'S blog site and thought it was funny. Starbucks, being a globally conscious (tries to be) corporation is always coming up with new products and ad gimmicks and this is one of them. Only in AMERICA!
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2.8.04 18:47
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..... Empowerment.
This is a word that has become such a friend to me, if I can call it that. I have never really known its meaning until I had lived on my own and ALONE for the first time in my life at the age of 32! It was a time when there was no one to count on but myself and I had learned the subtlies it took to become my OWN best friend. I was fortunate at the time to have ideal views of the SUNRISE thru my living room patio window and the SUNSET from my 'floor to ceiling' bedroom window, and I had enjoyed these simple and free, pleasures on my own. Just as I enjoyed dining on my own, shopping on my own, watching movies on my own and frequenting bars and clubs on my own.
As I got older I started focusing more on the WITHIN aspects of my 'aloneness' and 'being' and started taking greater control of what was to be fostered WITHIN. This was when I made a conscious decision to become Vegetarian. (please see Daily commentary on my life)
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3.8.04 04:43
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A Vegetarian who surely loved her meat!
I have been a vegetarian now for almost 3 years. It was not as challenging in the beginning as it has been these past few months.
You must understand that prior to 3 years ago I had passionately consumed meat of all types and styles, savouring the very taste of each dish. I still have vivid memories of the taste, almost like War Veteran flashbacks!How I came to the decision to be Vegetarian was more of a journey in knowing my SOUL as opposed to anything. I will talk about the Soul part in another entry - it is quite involved.
Because I am in the healthcare profession, is always baffled me as to how people got to be so sick and diseased and this whole genetic thing somehow did not really make sense.
After many reads and talks and turning towards meditation and nature, I began to formulize my thinking to this:
Our Creator that created us made us PERFECT. Then how in the world did we not stay that way?
I began to think of how much we abused and disrespected our BEINGs and BODIES thru what we ate, what we thought, what we chose to see and read, and how we chose to live. I started thinking that somewhere along the way of our cells production stages (as Cancers are formed from these) - there PERFECTION was tainted by polluting our bodies from foods, chemical substances, emotional distress and heavy psychological issues etc.
I then started to think about meats and how we derived our sources of energy from these meats - thru KILLING them. Surely the mere act of killing - causing what I call DEATH energy and then consuming these very murdered carcasses of dead energy into our own bodies could not BE that healthy?!
Then a thought came across several entries of various reads from various sources decribing what actually happens to our bodies - in energy terms. Ew, I thought, it all made complete sense.
I also thought of how Our Creator provided us with FOOD FROM and OF the earth .. and wondered how man ended up killing other animals for food. So now, I eat only fruits and vegetables and try to substitute SOY for milk. I do not over work myself if I don't have to. Drink Plenty or water, take long walks in the park, watch the dance of the leaves on the trees as the wind plays amongst the branches, thank everyone and everything I meet for the opportunity to connect with their existence in a TRULY conscious way, meditate daily, and repent for all the negative thoughts and words I bring into my day. It has been 3 years of living in this way .. and I must tell you, my eczema has cleared, I stopped loosing my hair, I do not get pimples popping up anymore, my overall sense of wellbeing is at PEACE .. and at 40 years old, people think I am still in my 20's! I am not attributing vegetarianism to all this, but I do believe that, with a combination of other things, has helped a lot. Except for the coffee I drink once in awhile ;o) .... I cannot think of anything unhealthy I consume.
Oh, and I tried doing the VEGAN thing but I am still not all there. It is really really really difficult to refrain from wearing and using leather products (I have changed my make-up to not include animal products though). What I would like to achieve is a life of eating raw, live fruits, plants and vegetables, where I grow everything that I eat!
*I know this lifestyle is not for everyone and everyone has their own opinion of 'meat or no meat'. I just wanted to share with you - THIS about me. In some way, this is how I chose to empower myself more!*
(Please read 'Word of the Day')
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3.8.04 05:14
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.. off to Paris, in the Astral anyway.
I am going to try to be in Paris .. in the Astral anyway! As I have never been, I am going to need to picture certain places that truly exist there and meditate on them. Thanks to Negrito's blog I will have images to choose from!
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3.8.04 07:18
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